A short history of French ski wax

Bulletins from a French butcher's shop

Among my many character flaws (full list available on request from my daughters) has long been an awkward failure to act like a mature, responsible adult.

On one memorable occasion, my juvenile (and/or stupid) response to a management directive issued by my then-employer earned me a hand-written rebuke from the newspaper’s editor. “Grow up, Tony,” he wrote.

I was 61 years old at the time and frankly, like Peter Pan, never saw much point in growing up. I looked at the grown-ups around me, and for the most part wondered why they were in such a hurry to be old. I would have plenty of time to grow up in retirement.

Here’s the sad thing, though. I’m now retired and I still don’t want to grow up. I haven’t shaken off my English schoolboy instincts, or my belief that life can’t possibly be taken seriously, least of all as its end approaches. You feel you’ve just got going and then biff! It’s all over. If God exists, I’ll bet he’s got a big red nose and enjoys a jolly fart joke.

Which brings me to the subject of today’s sermon: the French word ‘fart’, as in ‘le fart’; ‘le fartage’; and the verb ‘farter’; conjugated as ‘je farte, tu fartes, il farte, nous fartons, vous fartez, ils fartent’. It’s safe to imagine me rolling around my desk as I typed this paragraph, consumed by childish glee.

Strangely enough, I came across the French use of fart for the first time this week. I hasten to add that it has nothing to do with human anatomy or any odours a body might expel. With my daughters beginning their Xmas hols tonight, my wife asked me to take their skis for waxing. All three of them are heading for the mountains next week. Every skier knows that keeping the soles of your skis properly waxed helps you slide down mountains faster.

I don’t ski, so I shouldn’t be expected to have known that the French word for ski wax is ‘fart’. The process of waxing skis is known as ‘le fartage’. Oh God, I’ve started giggling again.

It turns out there are different kinds of fart. There’s ‘fart de glisse’ (glide wax for downhill) and ‘fart de retenue’ (grip wax, for Nordic skiers). I might hurt myself if I recite the entire list of farts, so I warmly recommend the French Wikipedia page entitled Fart (please don’t confuse it with the Swiss Wikipedia page on the Ferrovie Autolinee Regionali Ticinesi, a regional railway line known in the Tessin canton as FART).

The French page begins, as every proper Wikipedia page should, with a serious historical reference to a book only four living people have read - in this case, the 1673 monograph Argentoratensis Lapponiae (History of Lapland). Its author, Johannes Scheffer, apparently describes an early version of fartage using pine tar. Later farts were made with, oh please no: sperm whale oil and vegetable compounds.

Here’s the really shocking thing, though. The word ‘fart’ isn’t a French word at all. It was stolen from Norwegian and didn’t appear in a French dictionary until 1907. The leading European providers of fart apparently include a waxing brand named Start. I suppose Start fart has a certain ring to it. Not sure about Fart Universel (below) though.

Anyway, I shall write no more on this particular subject. I have to accept I am not Peter Pan (though I can’t help noting here that the English verb ‘to fart’ translates into French as ‘péter’. Perhaps there was a reason that Wendy ended up married to another Lost Boy).

Enough with base schoolboy humour. I’m a respectable old man now, and have to learn to act my age. I promise: no more farting around.