Enjoy. Then weep.

Bulletins from a French butcher's shop

It has been a fun weekend for all those who love reading rude things about the current President of the United States, aka “a shitty president and possibly the shittiest human being who has ever lived” (disenchanted BlueSky user).

The trigger for the latest wave of Trump-induced derangement was, of course, his Easter message to Iran, full of the usual blustering nonsense but containing an unprecedented presidential instruction to “open the Fuckin’ Strait, you crazy bastards”.

Or as the New York Post and most of America’s family newspapers felt obliged to put it slightly more delicately: “Open the F-----in’ Strait, you crazy b-----ds”.

Shortly before heading out on Easter Sunday duties – no, sillies, not to church, but to his nearest golf club – Trump had further bewildered his exhausted nation by ending his Truth Social tweet: “Praise to Allah”. Just what you’d expect from a bible-waving Muslim-baiter on one of the holiest dates on the Christian calendar.

The response was a wonder to behold. And the avalanche of derision, fury and abuse that followed was by no means restricted to Democratic sufferers of Trump Derangement Syndrome. I started collecting some of the most enjoyable reactions aimed at Trump’s latest demonstration of rabid dementia. The commotion has swiftly submerged any pangs of respect he might otherwise have earned from the brilliant US military rescue of the stranded airman shot down over Iran last week.

I would say “enjoy” but what I really mean is “weep”.

“He has gone insane and all of you are complicit” – Marjorie Taylor Green, Republican congresswoman and former Trump acolyte.

“Helpless, nervous, unbalanced and stupid” – Gen Ali Abdollah Aliabadi, Iran Central Military Command.

“Neither serious nor worthy of a response” – President Emmanuel Macron of France.

“Erratic and thuggish behaviour” - Twitter

“Mad King Trump” – Candace Owens – far-right media commentator.

Illustration: a made-up magazine cover published on X by the White House

“Deeply unwell and surrounded by religious fanatics who have convinced him that he is a Messiah. A satanic administration” – also Candace Owens

“A disgusting yet totally on-brand post” – Katie Phang, Substack

“Donald Trump makes me wish I had more middle fingers” – BlueSky

“Clearly unfit to be president”. Democratic Senator Chris van Hollen

“Unhinged” – front page headline, Daily Mirror

“Completely, utterly unhinged” – Democratic Senator Chris Murphy

“Trump needs to be put out of our misery” – BlueSky

“The sleaziest asshole on Earth” – BlueSky

“Beyond desperate” – BlueSky

“This is embarrassing” – Piers Morgan

“Evil and demented…malignant narcissism” – Dr John Gartner, psychologist

“A titanic fuck-up” – BlueSky

And my prize for the craziest bastards of all, for staring annihilation in the face and laughing at the man who threatened it: the official account of the Iranian Embassy in Zimbabwe, which replied to Trump’s tweet with a pair of sublimely reckless put-downs.

1) To his demand for the Straits of Hormuz to be re-opened, the embassy replied:

2) To his newest threat of unleashing “hell” if Iran hasn’t surrendered by 8pm on Tuesday:

All this would be a whole lot funnier of course, if it weren’t for the cruellest of realities: when madmen go to war with each other, it’s invariably the sane who have most to lose.